Lost again, as always.

This is from the other night, I was bored, so I figured I'd put it up here.
Though I had him back a bit ago, lost him again.
I have a feeling this is going to be a trend.
Well, I'm in it for the ride.

...buckle up.


--------

Lost again
Why is this so confusing?
I got what I wanted
Right?

Free of the lying
Though I always told you the truth
Lying to myself
Is really what it was

I can have her now
No more you in the way
Though you were more than
Willing to step aside

I miss you, missed you
Feel slightly saddened
By your departure
I hope you don’t leave me
Not completely

Guess ill just have to wait
But ive never been patient
I think you knew I needed this

My skin is tingly
Hair stands on tippy toes
Back hurts
Heart heaves

Im unsure of how I am now
Was glad at the beginning
Now confused and contemplative
You leave me, I hope not lost completely

Your warm arms, skinny pants that rested on your rear, the soft hair I love to play with.
I would miss it terribly

We overtalked ourselves
Now talking is rare
Between us

I missed you you know.
And I feel I will soon again

Toes cold, breath shaking
At least it wasn’t me who ended it.

Maybe he sensed that we were drifting, and that I was keeping this from him. Maybe he cared enough to let me go. Or maybe I mattered so little that it made it all the easier to leave.

I always do this, always over contemplate.
Shut up Shut up Shut up SHUT UP!
My fingers are shaking, and breaths come in quakes.

Calm yourself.
I was gonna do it myself, he just beat me to the chase.
Is this really what I wanted?

I hope this doesn’t mean the end of things.
Our naps and potential pancake making adventures.

You were too wonderful to let go, now you’re lost.

I’m lost too again now I suppose.
But then again, aren’t I always?

I won’t cry for you
I wont, I cant allow it

How can one cry if you don’t even know how you feel?

I think I evade my emotions because I have a version of myself I believe in.
Which version is accurate? I thought I knew.

You shook me three times gorgeous boy.
Third times the charm I suppose?

I’m free for her now. I was thrilled at first, all to eager to agree to just friends.

Is that really what I wanted? I hope it was.
So much grief caused over so little, I can’t handle this, I’m far too incapable.

I thought I knew who I was, you came, shattered my world.
I realized I was in love with someone else, I told you, you understood, we stayed together. Broke my heart to yearn for her, and have you.

Yet you knew that’s how I felt, I told you so, you listened. And you were okay with that, which made you all the more desirable.

I suppose you were just too great to let go, and I didn’t want anyone else to have you. I might still feel that way. I wanted to be best friends, but I dunno if you’ll let me that close now.

I miss how you smell, how you’re hair falls in your face. How you kissed me.
Bite harder kid, a challenge you proposed.

You tried, I won.

Hands still quivering, hair still there on end.

I felt so much for you, and yet so little. Maybe not a small amount after all, just the wrong measurement or ingredient.

I want you, not that. I want her and that.
Can’t win can I?

I wanted a relationship I already have, only one here also.
Best friends who love and share and benefit when bored.

I don’t think you’ll like that.

I hope you don’t think I’ve led you on, I’ve not lied to you from the beginning. neither of us ever lacked in telling the truth.

I miss you babe. Miss you calling me that.

We need to talk you said, I should have seen this coming…in fact I did. Readied myself to end it, but you had also I see.

My heart is compressing, morphing around, a thousand tons of pressure. If you feel in your head, how does it hurt in your chest?
I wish you were here for this, too witness this confession of feeling.
Don’t think I walked away empty handed.
I care.

I only wish I knew if you did….

Before going to bed...

The past few months have been off.

I’ve loved, lost, wanted, had, gotten over.
I’m different now.

Shorter hair, new girlfriend, still want him, but not his penis.
Lost some friends, got a few back.

I’m happy right now I guess.
I’m still questioning my relationship.
I hope it works out though, because I really care about her.
she makes me happy.

My heart has been hurting lately though.

And I’ve realized I have an off balance happiness equilibrium with my friends.
When I’m happy, they aren’t. and vice versa.
Sucks ass usually.

I’ve never blogged before.
I wonder how this will go.

Hmm… I have a math project to do, a APUSH test to study for, and two friends to fake happiness for.

Even though I’ve realized one replaced me with her, and she is a whore.
She’s playing him. Hes in denial.
Shes just gonna end up right back with whatsisface.
I hope she breaks him.

I’m a bitter bitch, I admit it.
But I got hurt, and now I’m annoyed.
And sad…
I don’t know how to explain it.
But go ahead, think the worst of me, it doesn’t really change anything.

My dog is whining right now.
He needs to be quiet, I’m pretending to study.

I cut my hair for the first time in my entire life.
Well, really short anyways
I always cut off about a foot once a year
But this year its past my shoulders.
I’m gonna cut it even shorter soon.

Not that you care.

Listen to me, sounding all emo, and bitchy.
I apologize.
HI, nice to meet you.
I’m not really this sucky usually.

Lately my days have been great and my nights have been shit, and that tends to affect what I write at one eighteen in the morning.

When I should be asleep, or finishing my chores, or doing homework.
Not talking to my girlfriend and blogging.

What’s up? I’m Emma, I’m 15 right now, and I’m gay.
I don’t eat meat, I’m allergic to latex, citric acid ( most fruit ), milk, and peanuts.
I’m a fairly happy person, but my moods change a lot.
I’ve moved like 14 times since I was born, and don’t really like the town im in right now, but im stuck for another year, so I’ll deal.

I love art, I’m pretty intelligent, I am going to join the peace corps after a few years of college and then go on to become a photographic journalist and do pieces like Lisa Ling.

I love my sister ( the rest of my family too ), and my best friends.
Music is everything.
I am addicted to the internet.
I chew on random things.

Add me on myspace or facebook.
Emma Marie Tracy
Myspace.com/80813118

Hopefully you’ll like one of my next blogs.

I have stuff to put up from all the way back in 7^th grade.

I pinky swear im much more fun than this.

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