Lost again, as always.

This is from the other night, I was bored, so I figured I'd put it up here.
Though I had him back a bit ago, lost him again.
I have a feeling this is going to be a trend.
Well, I'm in it for the ride.

...buckle up.


--------

Lost again
Why is this so confusing?
I got what I wanted
Right?

Free of the lying
Though I always told you the truth
Lying to myself
Is really what it was

I can have her now
No more you in the way
Though you were more than
Willing to step aside

I miss you, missed you
Feel slightly saddened
By your departure
I hope you don’t leave me
Not completely

Guess ill just have to wait
But ive never been patient
I think you knew I needed this

My skin is tingly
Hair stands on tippy toes
Back hurts
Heart heaves

Im unsure of how I am now
Was glad at the beginning
Now confused and contemplative
You leave me, I hope not lost completely

Your warm arms, skinny pants that rested on your rear, the soft hair I love to play with.
I would miss it terribly

We overtalked ourselves
Now talking is rare
Between us

I missed you you know.
And I feel I will soon again

Toes cold, breath shaking
At least it wasn’t me who ended it.

Maybe he sensed that we were drifting, and that I was keeping this from him. Maybe he cared enough to let me go. Or maybe I mattered so little that it made it all the easier to leave.

I always do this, always over contemplate.
Shut up Shut up Shut up SHUT UP!
My fingers are shaking, and breaths come in quakes.

Calm yourself.
I was gonna do it myself, he just beat me to the chase.
Is this really what I wanted?

I hope this doesn’t mean the end of things.
Our naps and potential pancake making adventures.

You were too wonderful to let go, now you’re lost.

I’m lost too again now I suppose.
But then again, aren’t I always?

I won’t cry for you
I wont, I cant allow it

How can one cry if you don’t even know how you feel?

I think I evade my emotions because I have a version of myself I believe in.
Which version is accurate? I thought I knew.

You shook me three times gorgeous boy.
Third times the charm I suppose?

I’m free for her now. I was thrilled at first, all to eager to agree to just friends.

Is that really what I wanted? I hope it was.
So much grief caused over so little, I can’t handle this, I’m far too incapable.

I thought I knew who I was, you came, shattered my world.
I realized I was in love with someone else, I told you, you understood, we stayed together. Broke my heart to yearn for her, and have you.

Yet you knew that’s how I felt, I told you so, you listened. And you were okay with that, which made you all the more desirable.

I suppose you were just too great to let go, and I didn’t want anyone else to have you. I might still feel that way. I wanted to be best friends, but I dunno if you’ll let me that close now.

I miss how you smell, how you’re hair falls in your face. How you kissed me.
Bite harder kid, a challenge you proposed.

You tried, I won.

Hands still quivering, hair still there on end.

I felt so much for you, and yet so little. Maybe not a small amount after all, just the wrong measurement or ingredient.

I want you, not that. I want her and that.
Can’t win can I?

I wanted a relationship I already have, only one here also.
Best friends who love and share and benefit when bored.

I don’t think you’ll like that.

I hope you don’t think I’ve led you on, I’ve not lied to you from the beginning. neither of us ever lacked in telling the truth.

I miss you babe. Miss you calling me that.

We need to talk you said, I should have seen this coming…in fact I did. Readied myself to end it, but you had also I see.

My heart is compressing, morphing around, a thousand tons of pressure. If you feel in your head, how does it hurt in your chest?
I wish you were here for this, too witness this confession of feeling.
Don’t think I walked away empty handed.
I care.

I only wish I knew if you did….